Reclaiming the Light
Persian poet, Hafiz of Shiraz wrote, “I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own Being”. For some of us, it may be difficult, if not impossible, to acknowledge the astonishing light within. For others, we may be in the throes of deep despair, relentless, anxious mental rumination, or unbearable and self-destructive emotional states. Then, there are those of us for whom the constantly critical self-talk track may feel like it’s the only one that will keep us “safe”. Regardless of how it is obfuscated, the astonishing light of our own being is still there; feelings of self-love, inner joy, and deep peace from our inner light are ever present.
The path of unbearable pain yet recovery, the path of unwholesome self-talk yet rising into self-love, the path of a recovering perfectionist, and the path of overcoming anxiety about not being enough is my familiar path. Underneath all of this, I have been a curious seeker. And, while most of our unique paths are both a beauty and a challenge in life, it is my conviction that we will all reach that place of reconnection to our individual light, our heart, and our Spirit. This conviction has helped me evolve from the one suffering to a professional healer working with others who are suffering. Here is a small view of two specific practices that helped me overcome my own suffering: Svadhyaya and Ahimsa. While both are used in the context of yoga,
Svadhyaya and Ahimsa transcend religious or spiritual categorization – they are universal in their applications and implications in antiquity and modernity, in the East and in the West.
My eleventh birthday started with debilitating back and neck pain, and it only got worse in my twenties. It was the kind of pain that made daily tasks in life unbearable – even showering and putting on socks, let alone commuting and performing my high-tech job. All my aspirations and ambitions of life were weighed down by searing and intense nerve pain in my spine. The intensity and heat of such pain does not let you feel any sense of peace, and even though I did not know it then, my search for the astonishing light of my own Being began there.
To my initial resistance, a yoga class was the beginning of my healing journey, after knocking on many other doors of MRI, physical therapy, biofeedback, and allopathy. It was physically difficult to get up and go to a yoga class, not to mention mentally and emotionally frightening to move my body in a way that could instigate a flare up of pain that could take months to heal. And yet, there was something within me that desperately wanted to get better; an intuitive knowing that a better life was possible. The more pain I endured, the more pressing that intuitive knowledge became. So, I fearfully listened and went to yoga. Beyond strengthening my body through Hatha and Vinyasa classes, the practice of being present to move through my pain taught me to deeply listen to and love my body, something which was previously absent or unknown. This is where Svadhyaya became a part of my practice, and I believe this is where we can all begin.
Svadhyaya (swa-dyah-yah) or “self-reflection” or “self-study” is a Sanskrit term that is most associated with yoga principles but has practical life application. I think of Svadhyaya as an internal exploration of the layers of our body, thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and intentions to find the root of what’s disconnecting us from joy or peace. In my own experience, Svadhyaya looks like a research project for the soul – an internal dissection to precisely identify the layer containing the “root cause” of our suffering. In the depth of my healing journey, I spent time going to yoga and wellness classes to heal the layer of my body; I attended extensive workshops, training, and coursework on what my layers of energy and the subtle body were harboring and how by healing the layer of my unwholesome thoughts and emotions, I could can radiate positive healing energy throughout my Being; and I studied with teachers and mentors to acknowledge and uproot outdated behaviors, beliefs, and patterns. The further inward I went, the more self-knowledge I acquired which led to becoming conscious of my thoughts, intentions, and actions. I could now start to realize how inner joy and peace were possible. Looking back, while it could seem that it was a fun and gentle process of exploration into simple self-love affirmations, the journey was through endurance, conviction, inner faith, and, most importantly, moving through the pain with deep empathy, and sometimes-hard-to-find self-love. This is where I needed to integrate Ahimsa.
Like Svadhyaya, Ahimsa (ah-HIM-sa) is a moral and ethical principle/precept within yoga philosophy. Ahimsa promotes non-violence, compassion, and respect for all living Beings, and it governs personal conduct, relationships, diet and lifestyle, and social harmony through the process of not using force. Ahimsa is not only about our outward speech, behavior, intentions, and motivations, but also about our internal landscape—our self-talk track and unconscious and predominant emotional states and intentions. Practicing Ahimsa involves consciously cultivating an attitude and intention of kindness, empathy, and consideration towards others, and as I learned, most importantly to ourselves.
Why is Ahimsa important in the context of self-destruction, anxiety, self-pity, and self-criticism? Because our biological layer reacts and responds to the layers of our mental and emotional states. Whether from an internal or an external stimulus, different mental states, such as stress, anxiety, negativity, self-pity, and vigilance influence our emotional state. Our emotional state then triggers biochemical responses which are so intelligently picked up by our cells and eventually expressed in our body. We have all experienced stress or anxiety-filled emotions that translate biochemically in the form of an uneasy stomach, heat in our face, tightness in the shoulders, or dilated eyes. Our incredibly complex and wise human system autonomously communicates and interacts across signaling pathways that contribute to the overall functioning and regulation of our body. Repeated difficult mental and emotional states can create permanent impressions in our physiology and bring about behaviors and patterns that impact our very nature and identification with ourselves.
This is where Ahimsa and Svadhyaya play quintessential remedial roles. They guide us to be attentive and introspective with compassion thereby changing the nature of our emotions to become softer, more caring, and supportive. This softening transforms the expression in our physical and mental states from pain and suffering to healing and hope. Over time, our suffering gets acknowledged, which creates shallower grooves of negativity in our nature so that we do not become bitter from pain, but understanding of how our pain signals a healing possibility. And, through applied Ahimsa and Svadhyaya, we can see how Hafiz can still see our light even when we cannot–it’s simply suppressed through the layers of our body, mind, and emotions.
Understanding Ahimsa is not the same as experiencing and applying it, particularly towards ourselves. Thus began the tough path of Ahimsa for me. One cannot just feign freedom from real physical pain through philosophical argument. My healing journey required me to get uncomfortably honest with myself and apply the education I had collected from many teachers, including my own Self. Through self-inquiry I learned that my inner landscape was beyond self-critical, my self-talk track was meaner to me than anyone I had ever met, I had little to no self-worth, and I kept my standards at “perfect or not at all”. So, my body responded by becoming as rigid as the permission I gave myself to be myself. My internal dominant layer was the layer of emotion trying to keep myself “safe” so that I was ready for the worst-case scenario at work (getting fired), in relationships (by not showing up authentically), and in my life outlook (“I will never heal”). My internal dialogue was one of fear and self-loathing, far from the non-violent, compassionate, and kind qualities of Ahimsa. Through working and studying with gifted healers and teachers, I became conscious of my detrimental self-flagellation, and recognized that to heal my body, my self-view must authentically evolve, and I needed to let my light return. And it did. My severe back and neck pain healed as I kept working with my emotions and allowed my mind to heal my body through kindness and empathy.
Reconnecting with your heart, your inner light, and your Spirit is possible. Feelings of self-love, inner joy, and deep peace from our inner light are still there. The key is knowing the steps from pain to healing so that our light can return. In my experience, when we become conscious to go within, and guide our introspection with self-love and compassion, it lightens the load of self-rejection and self-abasement. With this lighter load, we’re freer to explore deeper and thereby identify the root of where our dis-ease lies. Then, we can prioritize and focus the practices and habits, such as embodiment, self-care, journaling, meditation, prayer, shadow work, forgiveness, healthy boundaries, and other healing practices on the areas that need our loving care and attention most. As we continue, we naturally start to acknowledge, accept, and eventually resolve our inner and outer pain, which generates inner joy, deeper peace, and makes self-love accessible. And, each time we resolve darkness of our inner pain, we brighten the light of our Spirit and realize that it’s always been there.
Healing Practice Idea: Are you working through self-destructive thoughts, negative self-talk, or unwholesome intentions? Remember NOPE. This practice is a way to become conscious of the patterns and reframe the circumstance. It is not meant to bypass healing the root of dis-ease, but instead initiating the conscious process of understanding our inner landscape.
1. Notice the unwholesome thoughts, behaviors, intentions, or actions – simply noticing is Svadhyaya.
2. Observe yourself with Ahimsa, i.e., with non-violence and empathy.
3. Pause, breathe, and ask, “what is the root of this thought/behavior/action?” or, “what is the most wholesome way I can think/respond/act?”. This self-reflection is also Svadhyaya.
4. Exhale an acknowledging statement to self-soothe. This compassionate self-soothing is Ahimsa.
For example: “I bless myself to be myself.” “I do my best, and I let go of the rest.” “I am worthy and deserving of my own love and support.”
Kelly Suttell is Co-Founder of Yoga for Life PDX and an Integrative Healing Facilitator supporting people to find resolution and calm along their healing journey through family constellation, spiritual mentoring, and energy work. If you’re looking to understand and reconnect to your essence, your heart, and your Being, connect with Kelly for a FREE Discovery Session today. More information available at: kellysuttell.com
